Dilemma

Some readers may not know this, but the "Rookie slave" was a fraud. Long story that I don't really want to get into right now. So, do I delete "her" posts? Do I leave them there? I don't know what would be the better option. 

"Her" posts are part of our development as poly, but they are evidence of a bad person, someone who tried to ruin our lives and tried, honestly, to get me to end mine. 

As part of my attempt to process everything we have been through, I have stared at this blog, wondering what to do, how to handle this, and how I could have been so fooled. 

The events that surrounded this revelation have caused me to question everything, well, everything except Master, the one person who has stood beside me through everything. 

I guess I will sit on it a while before I really decide what to do. I may close this blog and start a new one for all members of the House to use. That might be best. 

Polyamory

Unified Poly Triad Symbol

I know it has been a long time since I have posted. I am, actually, posting from work! I just finished "watching" TV with my sister, and by watching, I mean I loaded the episode online with full closed captioning and she watched from home. We watched that Showtime reality show Polyamory; Married and Dating and I have to say, this was the perfect episode for me to watch as the first one.
In this episode, so many things I have been thinking about were addressed. And even some things I have discussed recently with Master as well.
A really good idea I got from this episode was the possibility of a "Poly Pot Luck," which is just gathering with local poly people for a good meal and fellowship. They used the word solidarity alot this week, and that is exactly what it seemed like they got out of th epot luck. Lots of like minded relationships getting together to talk about being poly and how they all "do poly."
There was a conversation between two members of two different relationships talking about their fears about coming out as poly, how their families would react and if they would accept them as poly and/or their other partners. It was nice to see that other poly families struggle with some of the same issus we do.
They also discussed the triad featured in the show and their pending commitment ceremonies, It is nice to know that other couples think about these issues.
They went over alot of things I think all poly individuals are faced with. From the difficulties with finding other poly couples to socialize with in their own area to coming out to commitment and family acceptance.
I would love to be able to find a community like they showed somewhere, but I also know the issues we all face, no matter where we live. The biggest seems to be the basic human desire for acceptance.

Dumb-booty Neighbors

Ok, it is well known that there will always be one person in the neighborhood who just makes one wish the Darwin Awards would come with a forced tubal or vasectomy. Now, I am not going to comment on the neighbor's parenting skills. This is just her latest display of idiocy.
Now, when we moved in, she was shocked that we were not on food stamps (yes, I said food stamps, not public assistance, this is my blog, I'm not under any restrictions to be PC, don't like it? The door is across the room, feel free to use it.
First this woman was shocked that we are not on food stamps. Then, she tries to sell her food stamps to me, a recovering alcoholic, to buy 2 bottles of vodka, one vanilla one marshmallow. (Ewww). And she obsesses over this stuff if I even say that I need to think about it or I need to check with Master. Because, you know, I should not have to take my Husband's thoughts and opinions into consideration when it comes to fraud!
Her 50 year old mother in law lives with them and she has been asking ME for blood pressure pills for her mother in law (Mooch50, since she is 50 years old) for over a month now, because Mooch50 can't find a damn doctor to give her a refill (ANY ER will do it, btw). 1st of all, my dose is double Mooch50's, 2nd of all, Mooch50 is an adult and not my responsibility, 3rd of all, its illegal, 4th of all, if I give her my pills, where does that leave me? Never mind the fact that she knew the entire life of the original script she needed to find a doctor before she ran out, AND the urgent care already gave her 2 extra weeks when she ran out. But, when I say, no I am NOT giving Mooch50 the meds that prevent ME from having a stroke because, at 31, I am more responsible then Mooch50 (and I said it just like that, except with names and not Mooch50), I am a stingy bitch? Really? Immature much? Selfish much?
Today, she tagged along while I took little man with me to pick up our glasses. She held the receipt for me while I got ready to drive home and she was floored by how much I paid for the glasses after my insurance took care of it. She was shocked that it cost $214 for two pairs of glasses. "You don't have medicaid? $2 for my glasses with them." LMAO her "glasses" are the $2 readers from Walmart that they sell with the sunglasses. And she never knows where they are and between her and Mooch50, they are always breaking glasses.
Nope, I actually get REAL glasses so I can, you know, actually see when I do things like drive or read? And i actually get my son REAL glasses. I prefer to pay the money now for actual glasses then to wait and get him the cheap "readers" which are not fitted for him and do not have his script in them, especially while his eyes are still changing.
Have a little respect for your kids, for yourself, and for your safety, lady. Augh!! @@

Truth Time

I took the plunge last night, in a way. I have been wanting to tell my bff about how happy I have been and the real reason for the happiness. When I thought about telling her, I was petrified that she would "run for the hills" and just leave me flat. It was a case of unfounded fear because it seems that, whenever things are going well in my life, something will come along and screw it up. So I was scared more than I realized that she would think I was wrong and give me the choice, her or Master.
But, last night, with Master's help, my bff was told about everything. She was informed about everything, my kinks, my status, Master's status, some protocols, Master's room downstairs, my little, everything.
She did not run, she was actually happy that I found my happiness, that I am fulfilled, that I am healing. She understands me more now, understands what makes me tick. Now that she has been informed about everything, she can watch out for me while I am away for the summer. She knows ans accepts me and what my relationship is like.
I am so glad Master was ok with helping me tell her about us. She didn't balk or run, she asked questions and was ok with it all.
I am glad I was able to share the truth with her. Next to Master and family, her opinions mean the most to me, and i am glad she is ok.

Goals and accomplishments

My sister and I are known for having long talks about service, how to best serve our Master, me learning things about my slave hood, sister teaching those things, and so much more. She has helped me understand some of the urges I have, some of the needs to submit, totally and completely, and has taught me to not be afraid to accept and fully give into the need.
Looking back to where I was 18 months ago, when I first started on this journey, I can tell I have come such a long way. If i had written this entry back then, it would have looked, read, and seemed like a different person was writing it. In many ways, that assumption would have been true.
I was, quite literally, a scared, angry, hurt little girl. I was stuck in the past, the day before my world changed and came crashing down. Many had seen the hurt and pain and turned away, abandoning me to my self pity. I learned quickly how to develop a mask, to hide my true feelings, to hide from the hurt and pain.
Then, Master came along. Over the last 18 months, I have learned to deal with everything I was hiding from. I have become more complete as a person. I have grown and learned. I have stopped hiding from my nature, but, instead, embraced it and flourished within it.
As a slave, I have gone from not allowing anyone into my heart and mind to Master being there all the time, for living for His commands.
I have started to deal with the things I was hiding from. I know I still have a long way to go, but I have started. I am glad I was with Master when I got the news that the person responsible for the pain was dead. Learning that and having Master's love and support during that time opened me up to the ability to heal. Master helped me walk through the door towards healing, towards getting better.
I no longer feel the need to retreat all the time, no longer feel the need for that comfort I got from retreating, the denial of what really happened.
When I read this a year from now, will I have changed as much as I have already? I think so. I am playing catch up. I missed so many years of development socially, mentally, and emotionally, that I am rapidly catching up now.
I love the idea of the blog because it is a living history of myself, of what and who I am and have become. I have come a long way, but I am not fully there yet, I still have a ways to go, but I think I am closer to a healthy, happy, well adjusted young adult than I was 18 months ago, and only one Person deserves the credit for guiding me down this journey and this passageway to adulthood.
Master has not been the light at the end of the tunnel, but the light along the path through the tunnel.

Worried

I know this is a slave blog, at least for now, but it is also a family blog. There is an issue that I just need to get off my chest and think aloud about. Everyone knows I am very close to my grandfather. He is the light of my life, the first man I ever really loved. Around him, I am the Italian Princess. Back in February, he was in a head on collision with a drunk driver and has been in a rehab hospital ever since. I just spoke to him and he didn't sound too good. His speech was slurred, he couldn't remember anything from the month around the accident, he didn't remember if he called me for my birthday, he was getting confused, he called me by the wrong number (I am PG#1, and he called me PG#4, family joke is he numbers the kids so he doesn't have to remember names, but he has never forgotten numbers, ever). He couldn't remember which of my uncles picked him up for a BBQ on Sunday or where he went. I am worried and scared. I really don't know what I would do without Grandpa. He kept the family together when Grandma passed, even though they were no longer married, he still loved her until the day she took her last breath. I just don't know what I would do. I don't like to think about the possibility, even though I know it is inevitable. There is still so much he has left to teach all of us. Even though they were no longer married, Grandpa taught me what it is to really love someone, no matter what happens, to really love someone. He was the first one to encourage me to enlist, to marry a military Man, to follow Him all over the world, to support Him. He was the first one I would call with good news. If something happens to Grandpa, I don't want to think about it. I got off the phone with him and cried, the man I spoke to didn't seem like my Grandpa. He is different, he has changed. I am so scared, so worried. I don't want to think about the last two times one of my grandparents went into the hospital. All of this because of a drunk driver who hit his car. I am so scared, I can't imagine a world where I can't just call Grandpa, a world where i can't ask his opinion or get his thoughts on something. I am so worried. Worried for Grandpa, worried for the family, for my mom and her siblings. I am worried about what it would do to them if something happened. I am scared about going on without him, worried about not having him here. I just don't know what to do. I want my grandpa back, the grandpa I knew, the grandpa I grew up with....

Slave Bed Time

What do other slaves do before bed? This was one of the first slave rituals/routines my sister helped me come up with and put into place. Usually, if I am not in Master's playroom, but He is "putting me to bed" I will close my eyes for a few minutes and focus my thoughts on Master, thinking of my service to Him, my love for Him. After that, I will strip down to proper slave attire, if I am not already wearing it, adding the cuffs I wear to bed, chaining my left ankle to the bed. Touching my collar, I will fall asleep thinking of Master, hoping to give myself Master filled dreams.
Of course, usually before bed, I will take a slave shower, if I have time, and if I do not have time, I will take it when I wake up. A slave shower includes all grooming Master has come to expect of me, washing my hair, face scrub, all the usual shower things, lol.
I was just wondering what other slaves might do before bed.
~S